The Honeymoon Hangover

What to do when spectacular new relationships begin to fail

Bill was everything the company was looking for. He was intelligent, driven, passionate, and focused. He had a confident comfortable air about him that inspired confidence on the part of clients and management. The owner of the company, Sam, hired Bill on the spot. Bill sold his house, moved across the continent and invested a lot of himself personally, (with his partner) to come to work at Sam’s company. In turn, Sam had also gone out of his way to create a positive and welcoming environment for Bill.

We had been working with Sam’s company for about a year and Bill was the final piece of the puzzle from a management point of view. Sam and I believed Bill would take the company from good to great; from potential to realization. A lot was riding on this hire, but the staff all seemed excited and energized by Bill’s pending arrival. As it happened, about the time Bill was coming in I was pre-scheduled to head to a remote area of central Africa, which meant I was not only out of the continent; I was completely out of touch. I had to trust Sam and his team to start the relationship off right.

I returned after a month away and the relationship seemed to be going well. There was lots of activity and energy at the company, and everyone was working hard to implement some of the new programs, ideas, and processes that Bill had brought with him. Bill was so high functioning that Sam decided that he and I didn’t need to stay in as close of contact, so we met less frequently. This was a mistake. You see Bill brought lots of great ideas with him; however, the team was still emotionally connected to Sam.

I have often seen the amazing burst of creative energy at the beginning of a relationship. I call it the Honeymoon Phase. During this phase (usually a few days to a few weeks), we often seem blind to the nagging little idiosyncrasies that seem to creep up a few days or weeks later. They were always there; they were just masked by the Honeymoon emotions. We overlook them because we want the relationship to work; we want the individual to succeed. We tolerate the issues because "they’re adapting" to the new work environment. However, issues can not be ignored. When they are, the Hangover Phase becomes all too real.

In this case, during the Honeymoon Phase the staff was initially willing to indulge Bill’s drive and overlook the incredible increase in workload, because emotions were all positive and the energy carried the weight of the change in dynamic. For his part, Sam felt he could handle the inevitable minor relationship issues that began to arise. So, he never called me for help or guidance.

Little did Sam know; The Honeymoon Phase was over and the Hangover Phase was about to set in. About seven weeks after Bill started; I was checking my email on a Sunday night when the phone rang. It was Sam’s Comptroller, Beth. She was distraught, in tears, and on the verge of quitting. She told me how she couldn’t work with Bill, his energy and drive was too much. She told me that she wanted to protect Sam, as she had been with him for years, and she perceived Bill as undermining the company culture. The Hangover Phase had begun to set in. In this case, Bill was still as driven, still task focused and unrelenting in his desire to create the perfect company as he was the day he began. Sam’s staff, however, awoke from the honeymoon and realized that these issues aren’t going to go away. These issues will continue to exist.

• According to Jean, Sam’s receptionist, Bill was a negative re-enforcer, (its good but), too driven, and she wanted to be appreciated.

• According to Beth, Bill was not yet untrustworthy, too intrusive, and she wanted to be trusted and included.

• According to Bill, the office staff were too emotionally connected to Sam to make objective business decisions. He wanted to get the job done.

When I spoke with Sam I suggested that we take a few key steps to solving the issues;

Meet offsite with Sam, Bill and Myself to;

• Ask Bill to back down on his schedule a bit. His focused and directive nature kept the team off balance. The more he pushed the more the team pushed back. If Bill, as the new entity in the group, didn’t show some flexibility, the rest of the team would likely mutiny.

• Layout a set of steps or actions that help Beth and Bill to create some trust. This could include discussing how to create trust, specific needs each may have, and how to meet these needs and avoid any "landmines" from being triggered.

• Express to Bill that he was actually the new dynamic in the team and that the team was made up of individuals who already had a balance and a dynamic. By coming into the team, Bill naturally created ripples in the pond. He needed to understand it wasn’t up to the team to meet him; it was up to both sides of the relationship to meet in the middle. Respect for each others prior state while creating a common future helps to bridge the inevitable energy gap that occurs during the hangover phase.

Hold a staff meeting in the office with the express intent of sharing issues and concerns in a solution based manner that does not imply any blame.

• The entire team was encouraged to participate. The intent of the meeting is to air issues that each person perceives exists. These issue are identified not by blame ("he did this or that"), instead they are phrased in a neutral way ("when the stress increased, I felt like I was overloaded, and the work just kept coming.)

Ensure that all staff meet on a regular basis to discuss workplace issues and concerns.

• As a company, it is essential to have a communication forum that is stable and reliable. Most companies only meet when issues are present. This approach reinforces crises thinking. By meeting constantly you create an open and available platform to forecast, review or discuss items which have not become issues of note. By being proactive, many issues will disappear.

Sam and Bill slowly worked toward a solution with the staff team and today they function fully, effectively and trustfully. By understanding that the honeymoon phase will end, a good manager is able to anticipate the need to adjust to dynamics, create a clear set of action steps and to balance the needs of team members, before the hangover takes its toll.